Today feels no different from any other day. Why would it? You have no reason to believe otherwise. You just think it is going to be another pointlessly dull day. Your alarm has just yanked you from a dreadful dream. Why was it dreadful? You can no longer recall, but you are sure you will have the same dream tonight, just to forget it the following morning. All you know is that you just want to go back into a deep slumber. Despite your desire to go back to sleep, with much effort, you pull yourself out of bed.
You look around your room in search for something different. Anything would suffice really. You just want something different to happen this morning. Maybe an owl carrying a letter addressed to you. You think about how epic that would be. To your disappointment, nothing happens. It’s just another dull morning. You get out of your bed without making it neat and presentable. Why bother? You're just going to get back in it later. You then head downstairs towards the kitchen.
Once in the kitchen, you look at your wide variety of food to eat. You have four boxes of Pop Tarts, each flavor you are either sick of eating or was never good in the first place. The same can be said about your choices in cereal and Hot Pockets.You stop trying to look. The previous day you went into your step-dad’s wallet and took 20 bucks. Not just because you could though. You're not a bad person. You just feel he does not deserve it. He has a job that pays well enough, but he leaves the cooking and most of the shopping to your mom. So why not? He can be useful for once. While in the kitchen, you decide to go to the stand on the way to school. You wasted so much energy coming downstairs for nothing. You walk upstairs sort of pissed and go into the bathroom.
After you wash up and put on clean clothes you are just about ready to leave. You head for the fridge and make lunch. You then pick up the first alcoholic thing you find and fix it with any normal non-alcoholic drink. You do this every so often to take the edge off of life. It is the only thing that helps lately. You then put the juice away with your lunch and gather all your things. You check for the usual things like your keys or phone. You feel for the money in your pocket, then head for your door. Before opening it, you say goodbye to whoever is in the house. You don’t hear anything, which either means they’re still sleeping, or just ignoring you, which you have somewhat gotten use to. You open the door and leave in a rush, since you don’t want to miss the bus.
You have a long bus ride ahead of you, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. For a while you just sit there thinking about the things in your life. You try to think about the good things in life, but recently there has not been much good going on. You hate thinking about it so you just try going to sleep. Even though it is a dreadfully terrible idea to sleep on public transportation, you know how to position your belongings so they do not get taken. You fall asleep. At least that was the plan. You just cannot stop thinking about the troubles in your life. It irritates you to limits unknown. You take out your lunch box and drink some of the juice you put inside. For you, some is a big chug. What’s the harm? It helps you think. You then pull out one of your favorite books to lose yourself in.
You love this book to death. You wouldn’t care if everyone else hated it. You like just about any book. Reading is your passion and it is one of the few things that you enjoy anymore.For a moment you observe the condition of the book. You wish it looked as new as when you first got it. Sadly, it is worn out after so many uses. This makes you feel some sort of way but the condition is not as important as the content. You begin reading. You become lost in the story and you enjoy it. You love books because you can be someone different. You become someone who is needed by others. You love feeling this sense of purpose in life. You wish you were in that world. You wouldn’t even mind that you are stuck in the book with your future and past set in stone. If you were in the book, people would care about what happens to you. They want to know who you are, the things you accomplish and what you stand for.
You don’t want to leave. Despite that, you get that dreadful feeling you are only a few blocks from school. Reluctantly you close your book, put it away and pull the string for the bus to let you off at the next stop.
On the way to school you buy an egg sandwich from the stand and a few cans of soda to help you through the day. You buy these just in case you run out juice before lunch, which has been happening a lot recently.
You walk the short distance to school and stop once you are directly in front of school. You drink some of your juice, put on your facade and then walk inside. You want everyone to think you are fine. It causes less hardships for everyone. This is mainly done for yourself. You start thinking of life before you learned how to put on this face but then you shun the thought. You do not want to think back to then. Just keep moving forward you always tell yourself. It’s better that way.
You sign in and then head upstairs to the usual spot. Well one of the usual spots. You have three or four places where you like to hang out. Today you choose upstairs by a science room at the table. When you get there some of your friends are playing cards. What card game it is, you have no idea. It seems fun though. You just sit down and begin to eat. You are sure they haven’t noticed you yet despite being right next to you. It does not bother you much since you know you are not very noticeable. Once you finish eating you ask “How do you play.” As expected they do not answer back. You hate that you tend to mumble. A lot. You drink some of your juice, which you placed directly to your right for easy access. You repeat yourself, but this time at an audible level.
“We’re playing Go Fish,” Alex responds in a puzzled voice. “Have you really never played this card game? Its a classic.”
“Never” You answer. You leave out the part about never playing much of anything since you had no one to play with.
“Alright then,” he begins, “Let us show you how to play.”
You really like Alex. He was a great guy who actually seemed to care about your existance. He listened to your rants about the things that bothered you in life. Of course you didn’t do this too often, or tell him about major things that bothered you in life. You especially didn’t want to tell him about how you felt about your feelings towards yourself. What if he doesn’t actually care, you would always think to yourself. What if one day he just gives up on you. You never get attached to your friends, since you are always ready for them to turn their backs to you. He was the closest thing you had to a best friend. Whether or not you guys were actually best friends, you would never know. It is best not to assume.
The girl across from him sighs and says “Can we hurry this up.” She then looks at you and says “How have you not picked up the rules to “Go Fish” yet. It’s a shocker that you got into this school.” Her name is Luna and this is the perfect opportunity for you to retaliate and make her feel hurt. But you don't. Instead, you look down at the table and drink some of your juice. You do this because she is your friend. A friend is someone who needs you. At least, that is what you believe a friend is. She is not a mean person actually. She only acts this way towards you in fact. It must be my fault then, you think. I just need to be a better person. Until then I can not do anything to make her leave me. I don’t want to be alone. Not again. You think like this because you truly believe that if she tires of you and leaves, the others will leave as well. So you just sit there, continuing to drink yourself silly.
“Hey don’t go quiet on us now,” Alex says, cutting through the silence, “Don’t take what she says to heart”. You look up. “Oh. Don’t worry’” you say, “I wasn’t. I-I was just lost in my thoughts”. You let out a nervous laugh and then say “So lets play”. Alex,Luna, and the others give you a quick run through of how the game works. After that you have “fun” playing the game. Throughout the whole thing you keep drinking and thinking about how you almost went back. Back to that place.You keep this up till first period.
First period class is math today. The moment you walk in a feeling of dread takes over you. For you it is a common occurrence at this point. You sit in the back of the room out of sight and out of mind. When the lights are turned off for the lesson you start to blend in. This is the one time of the day you are glad you are unnoticeable. Since you are so unimportant the teacher will most likely not call on you to answer the question. even if you didn’t blend in they wouldn’t call on you. The teacher knows better at this point. You would try to answer, but ultimately give up. The math teacher believes that is because you do not try enough. It is not true. It is just that you no longer have the will to try and put the pieces together. You allow yourself to slip back to that place. Just for a moment.
You were such a promising student back then. You were top of your class, loved by all the teachers and your favorite class, ironically, was math. You loved math to death really. In the future you wanted to use the math you knew and become someone others looked up to. Everyone dependent on and respected you. Or so you thought. They simply “respected” how naive you were and depended on you to give them all the answer. You were just a tool in their eyes. When you finally realized this, you were crushed. It was only the start.
When you feel like you are being stared at, you come back to the present. Out of one nightmare, into another. You wake to almost everyone in the class staring at you, including the teacher. You start wondering why, but then you realize your breathing is irregular and your face is wet. You were having an “attack” while you were “gone”. You have had them ever since you realized you were a tool in everyone eyes. You know what will happen next. It will get worst and you will blackout for a while. To stop your attacks all you have to do is drink your juice. You pick it up and drink some. At least that is what you had wanted to do. It is empty. You get up and leave the classroom without asking, wheezing and crying uncontrollably.
For the next half an hour or so you sit in a secluded corner, alone and rocking back and forth. You try and think of the things that keep you attached to the world to try and calm down. After you run out of things on that list you no longer know what to do with yourself. The soda you bought isn’t helping either. You give up. You let yourself slip into the dark.
You are taken back to the most lonesome time in your life. After realizing you were being used, you purposely “broke” yourself. No one would use a tool beyond repair right? so you stopped doing the work. You stopped caring about how others viewed you. Once you were no longer a tool, those who viewed you as such would vanish, and your true friends would surface. Both of these were correct. What crushed you was that, no true friends surfaced. You were all alone. No one cared about you. Teachers no longer cared about you as a student. The other kids marked you as trash. You were just wasted space to everyone. You were so miserable. You were so low that you wanted to drag others down with you. You were in a place where no one could save you. No one ever tried besides that person.
Once you wake you realize that half the day has passed. You get up and head to the class that you should be in at this time. Once you walk in everyone starts staring at you and gossiping. To hell with them, you think. They never paid me any mind before today. They are all the same. Why can’t they all just vanish. You sit down next to Alex. “You okay?” he asks.
“Fine” You respond.
“You sure?”
“Mhmm... and thank you”.
“For what?”
“For being the second person who actually cares about my well being,” you say dryly., Not sure how he will take it.
He instantly responds by saying, “Heh, what are best friends for”.
You have no idea what you guys talked about afterwards. You don’t even remember what the class was about. For the first time in a while. You felt sort of happy. You did not feel alone. It was rare for someone to care about someone so unbeneficial like you. But alex was not one to lie, or take back something he says with such a serious tone. He was serious. Maybe. Just maybe. I might not be trash.
In the middle of your last class you are called to go to the guidance counselor's office. Crap. You know what going there means. The counselor will make you talk about how you feel. You hate opening up. Especially to adult. They just didn’t care. the adults at school were paid to care, so why waste my breath telling them about me?
It went on longer than I had thought. Most adults would have just given up and marked me a lost cause You think. This is different from other meetings with adults. I doubt that this teacher actually cares about me. Maybe this one works for the money?
“You know,” the counselor starts. “I know what it feels like to be alone.” Bull. “The despair slowly eating at you. Always wishing that you could just vanish. You lose the will to live. It is something I know all too well.”The counselor pulls up a sleeve to reveal scars covering the arm. All you can do is stare. “I understand your pain. I care about you and what you are doing through. I want to help you.” The concern in the counselor's voice is enough to bring you to tears. “B-but you don’t even know anything about me!” you yell. “I know the pain in your heart,” the counselor says. “That is enough.” You are stunned. You do not know what to think or say. “Go home and think it over okay? If you want my help come back tomorrow.”
On your way home you read your book. Usually, you are consumed by it and in a faraway place. At this moment you are grounded. You would like to be more involved in the story like this morning, but you just can’t. You are not sure running away is the right thing to do right now. You keep replaying today’s events in your head. You try your best not to cry when you think about how hectic the day was. You are just about to when you realize your stop is next.
Once home you say “Hello everyone,” loud enough for anyone in the house to hear. No one answers back. Your parents are not very attentive when it comes to you. You are not mad at them for this. You know that they are not bad people They just have a lot on their plates. Even though you act like you hate them, especially your dad, you are just angry at yourself for being pathetic.
It is best to just leave them alone. You go into the kitchen to get something to eat, then walk upstair to get ready for bed early. It has been a long day for you.
You open up a different book for the night. You get lost inside of the book. this time the book is closer to reality. It is about a boy in a similar situation as you who had it worst if not just as bad as you. You read it, holding each scene close to your heart. As you read on you become sleepy.
You start to think about the strained relationships in your life. You start thinking about your parents and how things seem hopeless for them. Deep down you wish you could do something, but instead you just fuel the flame. You steal money from your dad and alcohol from your mom. The reason they have been arguing so much is because they have been blaming each other for the things they lost. You want to own up to it, but you are too weak to face the consequences.
You start thinking about your friends. You have so many and yet, in actuality, you barely have any. You just jump at anyone who shows any interest in you. You o this because you want to feel loved by many. You want to feel like you are important to so many. All you end up doing, is being more alone than ever. Most of them treat you like trash and you just take it. What else can you do? You are the one that wanted this. It is your fault. It is always your fault.
Once you read about how the main character’s best friend killed himself, you feel sorrow beyond what a reader should feel. You feel as though you know what it feels like to lose someone dear to you. You stop thinking about anything. You feel so heavy and drained. Suddenly, you fall asleep.
For once, you are, conscience of the dream. It is the dream that you have had for months. You have the feeling that this time you will remember the dream this time. You know that it is not just a dream. What you’re about to see actually happened, you just blocked it out. This took place after you “broke” yourself. You were sitting by yourself at lunch. No one wanted to sit near the useless freak. You were eating either pizza or chicken, you can’t remember that well. Suddenly, someone sits next to you.
“Sup. Why do you always look so sad?” they ask. “What do you want?” You respond. “I want to help you out” they respond with a sincere smile. You were surprised by the sudden response. Came out of nowhere really. Maybe this person has been watching you. For that moment, you really do not care. Without thinking you say “Can you really?” ”Of course. Just stick with me. Oh, and the name’s---”
They reason why this memory is the saddest, is that you know this person dear to you, but you don’t even remember their name, what they looked like, or whether this person was a boy or a girl. All you know is that you loved this person despite not know any of this. The feeling was mutual, which made you happy. You just sit there, watching everything go on. Birthday parties, Christmas, valentine's day, first dates first kiss, with everything, the strain on your heart is weakening, This person was slowly taking away all your sorrows. The problem was, deep down, you knew it was coming soon. The reason you locked this away.
It was a dark, damp day, your favorite. You think that it will be a good day. You should have known better. It was ---’s birthday and you had gotten --- the perfect gift. As you approached ---’s house to give the gift, you heard sirens. Not good you think. You run the rest of the way. When you get there you see ---’s mother crying. She sees you and walks over weakly. “---” she says. “--- committed suicide”
The rest was hazy. There was no note and no reason for this to happen. You became hysteric. You blamed yourself. I wasn’t there enough you would think. It is my fault. I could have done something. I was not good enough. I ruin everything! Why !? Why do I even try anymore. I really should stop trying to find happiness. I do not deserve it. I’m sick of all the pain. ---. Why could I not help you. Everything goes black
You want to stay in the darkness. You feel worthless. maybe it would be better if you disappeared, gone. Then, you see a light. You go towards it. You realize it is one last memory about you two.
“What do you do when someone you love dies,” you ask. “Move on,” --- answers. “How do you forget someone that you love?” you ask. “That’s harsh.” “No,” --- responds, “Not forget, move on. Think about it like this. when you lose someone close to you you experience the pain of loss. There is a cycle of pain. First is “feel pain”, the sorrow you feel right after loosing them. Next is “think about pain”, where you think about the person you lost and why they were important, which can be the most painful. Next is “accept pain”, which can be the hardest. You have to accept that that person is gone. Lastly is “know pain”. By knowing pain you become a stronger person by moving forward, but still keeping that lost one in your heart. “Feel pain, think about pain, accept pain and know pain.”
“Don’t ever doubt the fact that I love you enough to take a bullet for you. However, I will not live for you. I do not live for you but I love you. Promise me this . If I die, do not live for me. Do not let me ruin your life.” “I promise,” you respond. Their image becomes clear. You remember their name. Their name, you think. Their name was-
You awaken. It is almost midnight. You remember everything. You look up with tears in your eye and think hey, I miss you. Despite this, I will do as I promise and move on love. I have someone to call a friend. I found two people who care about me. Today was fun, despite all the bad that happened. I will try my best from now on ok? I cut down on the drinking. I will go to the counselor tomorrow and make some good friends. I have gone through the cycle of pain, though it took me a while. So, wait for me. Goodbye, I will never forget you again Rest in peace, Sam.
You look around your room in search for something different. Anything would suffice really. You just want something different to happen this morning. Maybe an owl carrying a letter addressed to you. You think about how epic that would be. To your disappointment, nothing happens. It’s just another dull morning. You get out of your bed without making it neat and presentable. Why bother? You're just going to get back in it later. You then head downstairs towards the kitchen.
Once in the kitchen, you look at your wide variety of food to eat. You have four boxes of Pop Tarts, each flavor you are either sick of eating or was never good in the first place. The same can be said about your choices in cereal and Hot Pockets.You stop trying to look. The previous day you went into your step-dad’s wallet and took 20 bucks. Not just because you could though. You're not a bad person. You just feel he does not deserve it. He has a job that pays well enough, but he leaves the cooking and most of the shopping to your mom. So why not? He can be useful for once. While in the kitchen, you decide to go to the stand on the way to school. You wasted so much energy coming downstairs for nothing. You walk upstairs sort of pissed and go into the bathroom.
After you wash up and put on clean clothes you are just about ready to leave. You head for the fridge and make lunch. You then pick up the first alcoholic thing you find and fix it with any normal non-alcoholic drink. You do this every so often to take the edge off of life. It is the only thing that helps lately. You then put the juice away with your lunch and gather all your things. You check for the usual things like your keys or phone. You feel for the money in your pocket, then head for your door. Before opening it, you say goodbye to whoever is in the house. You don’t hear anything, which either means they’re still sleeping, or just ignoring you, which you have somewhat gotten use to. You open the door and leave in a rush, since you don’t want to miss the bus.
You have a long bus ride ahead of you, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. For a while you just sit there thinking about the things in your life. You try to think about the good things in life, but recently there has not been much good going on. You hate thinking about it so you just try going to sleep. Even though it is a dreadfully terrible idea to sleep on public transportation, you know how to position your belongings so they do not get taken. You fall asleep. At least that was the plan. You just cannot stop thinking about the troubles in your life. It irritates you to limits unknown. You take out your lunch box and drink some of the juice you put inside. For you, some is a big chug. What’s the harm? It helps you think. You then pull out one of your favorite books to lose yourself in.
You love this book to death. You wouldn’t care if everyone else hated it. You like just about any book. Reading is your passion and it is one of the few things that you enjoy anymore.For a moment you observe the condition of the book. You wish it looked as new as when you first got it. Sadly, it is worn out after so many uses. This makes you feel some sort of way but the condition is not as important as the content. You begin reading. You become lost in the story and you enjoy it. You love books because you can be someone different. You become someone who is needed by others. You love feeling this sense of purpose in life. You wish you were in that world. You wouldn’t even mind that you are stuck in the book with your future and past set in stone. If you were in the book, people would care about what happens to you. They want to know who you are, the things you accomplish and what you stand for.
You don’t want to leave. Despite that, you get that dreadful feeling you are only a few blocks from school. Reluctantly you close your book, put it away and pull the string for the bus to let you off at the next stop.
On the way to school you buy an egg sandwich from the stand and a few cans of soda to help you through the day. You buy these just in case you run out juice before lunch, which has been happening a lot recently.
You walk the short distance to school and stop once you are directly in front of school. You drink some of your juice, put on your facade and then walk inside. You want everyone to think you are fine. It causes less hardships for everyone. This is mainly done for yourself. You start thinking of life before you learned how to put on this face but then you shun the thought. You do not want to think back to then. Just keep moving forward you always tell yourself. It’s better that way.
You sign in and then head upstairs to the usual spot. Well one of the usual spots. You have three or four places where you like to hang out. Today you choose upstairs by a science room at the table. When you get there some of your friends are playing cards. What card game it is, you have no idea. It seems fun though. You just sit down and begin to eat. You are sure they haven’t noticed you yet despite being right next to you. It does not bother you much since you know you are not very noticeable. Once you finish eating you ask “How do you play.” As expected they do not answer back. You hate that you tend to mumble. A lot. You drink some of your juice, which you placed directly to your right for easy access. You repeat yourself, but this time at an audible level.
“We’re playing Go Fish,” Alex responds in a puzzled voice. “Have you really never played this card game? Its a classic.”
“Never” You answer. You leave out the part about never playing much of anything since you had no one to play with.
“Alright then,” he begins, “Let us show you how to play.”
You really like Alex. He was a great guy who actually seemed to care about your existance. He listened to your rants about the things that bothered you in life. Of course you didn’t do this too often, or tell him about major things that bothered you in life. You especially didn’t want to tell him about how you felt about your feelings towards yourself. What if he doesn’t actually care, you would always think to yourself. What if one day he just gives up on you. You never get attached to your friends, since you are always ready for them to turn their backs to you. He was the closest thing you had to a best friend. Whether or not you guys were actually best friends, you would never know. It is best not to assume.
The girl across from him sighs and says “Can we hurry this up.” She then looks at you and says “How have you not picked up the rules to “Go Fish” yet. It’s a shocker that you got into this school.” Her name is Luna and this is the perfect opportunity for you to retaliate and make her feel hurt. But you don't. Instead, you look down at the table and drink some of your juice. You do this because she is your friend. A friend is someone who needs you. At least, that is what you believe a friend is. She is not a mean person actually. She only acts this way towards you in fact. It must be my fault then, you think. I just need to be a better person. Until then I can not do anything to make her leave me. I don’t want to be alone. Not again. You think like this because you truly believe that if she tires of you and leaves, the others will leave as well. So you just sit there, continuing to drink yourself silly.
“Hey don’t go quiet on us now,” Alex says, cutting through the silence, “Don’t take what she says to heart”. You look up. “Oh. Don’t worry’” you say, “I wasn’t. I-I was just lost in my thoughts”. You let out a nervous laugh and then say “So lets play”. Alex,Luna, and the others give you a quick run through of how the game works. After that you have “fun” playing the game. Throughout the whole thing you keep drinking and thinking about how you almost went back. Back to that place.You keep this up till first period.
First period class is math today. The moment you walk in a feeling of dread takes over you. For you it is a common occurrence at this point. You sit in the back of the room out of sight and out of mind. When the lights are turned off for the lesson you start to blend in. This is the one time of the day you are glad you are unnoticeable. Since you are so unimportant the teacher will most likely not call on you to answer the question. even if you didn’t blend in they wouldn’t call on you. The teacher knows better at this point. You would try to answer, but ultimately give up. The math teacher believes that is because you do not try enough. It is not true. It is just that you no longer have the will to try and put the pieces together. You allow yourself to slip back to that place. Just for a moment.
You were such a promising student back then. You were top of your class, loved by all the teachers and your favorite class, ironically, was math. You loved math to death really. In the future you wanted to use the math you knew and become someone others looked up to. Everyone dependent on and respected you. Or so you thought. They simply “respected” how naive you were and depended on you to give them all the answer. You were just a tool in their eyes. When you finally realized this, you were crushed. It was only the start.
When you feel like you are being stared at, you come back to the present. Out of one nightmare, into another. You wake to almost everyone in the class staring at you, including the teacher. You start wondering why, but then you realize your breathing is irregular and your face is wet. You were having an “attack” while you were “gone”. You have had them ever since you realized you were a tool in everyone eyes. You know what will happen next. It will get worst and you will blackout for a while. To stop your attacks all you have to do is drink your juice. You pick it up and drink some. At least that is what you had wanted to do. It is empty. You get up and leave the classroom without asking, wheezing and crying uncontrollably.
For the next half an hour or so you sit in a secluded corner, alone and rocking back and forth. You try and think of the things that keep you attached to the world to try and calm down. After you run out of things on that list you no longer know what to do with yourself. The soda you bought isn’t helping either. You give up. You let yourself slip into the dark.
You are taken back to the most lonesome time in your life. After realizing you were being used, you purposely “broke” yourself. No one would use a tool beyond repair right? so you stopped doing the work. You stopped caring about how others viewed you. Once you were no longer a tool, those who viewed you as such would vanish, and your true friends would surface. Both of these were correct. What crushed you was that, no true friends surfaced. You were all alone. No one cared about you. Teachers no longer cared about you as a student. The other kids marked you as trash. You were just wasted space to everyone. You were so miserable. You were so low that you wanted to drag others down with you. You were in a place where no one could save you. No one ever tried besides that person.
Once you wake you realize that half the day has passed. You get up and head to the class that you should be in at this time. Once you walk in everyone starts staring at you and gossiping. To hell with them, you think. They never paid me any mind before today. They are all the same. Why can’t they all just vanish. You sit down next to Alex. “You okay?” he asks.
“Fine” You respond.
“You sure?”
“Mhmm... and thank you”.
“For what?”
“For being the second person who actually cares about my well being,” you say dryly., Not sure how he will take it.
He instantly responds by saying, “Heh, what are best friends for”.
You have no idea what you guys talked about afterwards. You don’t even remember what the class was about. For the first time in a while. You felt sort of happy. You did not feel alone. It was rare for someone to care about someone so unbeneficial like you. But alex was not one to lie, or take back something he says with such a serious tone. He was serious. Maybe. Just maybe. I might not be trash.
In the middle of your last class you are called to go to the guidance counselor's office. Crap. You know what going there means. The counselor will make you talk about how you feel. You hate opening up. Especially to adult. They just didn’t care. the adults at school were paid to care, so why waste my breath telling them about me?
It went on longer than I had thought. Most adults would have just given up and marked me a lost cause You think. This is different from other meetings with adults. I doubt that this teacher actually cares about me. Maybe this one works for the money?
“You know,” the counselor starts. “I know what it feels like to be alone.” Bull. “The despair slowly eating at you. Always wishing that you could just vanish. You lose the will to live. It is something I know all too well.”The counselor pulls up a sleeve to reveal scars covering the arm. All you can do is stare. “I understand your pain. I care about you and what you are doing through. I want to help you.” The concern in the counselor's voice is enough to bring you to tears. “B-but you don’t even know anything about me!” you yell. “I know the pain in your heart,” the counselor says. “That is enough.” You are stunned. You do not know what to think or say. “Go home and think it over okay? If you want my help come back tomorrow.”
On your way home you read your book. Usually, you are consumed by it and in a faraway place. At this moment you are grounded. You would like to be more involved in the story like this morning, but you just can’t. You are not sure running away is the right thing to do right now. You keep replaying today’s events in your head. You try your best not to cry when you think about how hectic the day was. You are just about to when you realize your stop is next.
Once home you say “Hello everyone,” loud enough for anyone in the house to hear. No one answers back. Your parents are not very attentive when it comes to you. You are not mad at them for this. You know that they are not bad people They just have a lot on their plates. Even though you act like you hate them, especially your dad, you are just angry at yourself for being pathetic.
It is best to just leave them alone. You go into the kitchen to get something to eat, then walk upstair to get ready for bed early. It has been a long day for you.
You open up a different book for the night. You get lost inside of the book. this time the book is closer to reality. It is about a boy in a similar situation as you who had it worst if not just as bad as you. You read it, holding each scene close to your heart. As you read on you become sleepy.
You start to think about the strained relationships in your life. You start thinking about your parents and how things seem hopeless for them. Deep down you wish you could do something, but instead you just fuel the flame. You steal money from your dad and alcohol from your mom. The reason they have been arguing so much is because they have been blaming each other for the things they lost. You want to own up to it, but you are too weak to face the consequences.
You start thinking about your friends. You have so many and yet, in actuality, you barely have any. You just jump at anyone who shows any interest in you. You o this because you want to feel loved by many. You want to feel like you are important to so many. All you end up doing, is being more alone than ever. Most of them treat you like trash and you just take it. What else can you do? You are the one that wanted this. It is your fault. It is always your fault.
Once you read about how the main character’s best friend killed himself, you feel sorrow beyond what a reader should feel. You feel as though you know what it feels like to lose someone dear to you. You stop thinking about anything. You feel so heavy and drained. Suddenly, you fall asleep.
For once, you are, conscience of the dream. It is the dream that you have had for months. You have the feeling that this time you will remember the dream this time. You know that it is not just a dream. What you’re about to see actually happened, you just blocked it out. This took place after you “broke” yourself. You were sitting by yourself at lunch. No one wanted to sit near the useless freak. You were eating either pizza or chicken, you can’t remember that well. Suddenly, someone sits next to you.
“Sup. Why do you always look so sad?” they ask. “What do you want?” You respond. “I want to help you out” they respond with a sincere smile. You were surprised by the sudden response. Came out of nowhere really. Maybe this person has been watching you. For that moment, you really do not care. Without thinking you say “Can you really?” ”Of course. Just stick with me. Oh, and the name’s---”
They reason why this memory is the saddest, is that you know this person dear to you, but you don’t even remember their name, what they looked like, or whether this person was a boy or a girl. All you know is that you loved this person despite not know any of this. The feeling was mutual, which made you happy. You just sit there, watching everything go on. Birthday parties, Christmas, valentine's day, first dates first kiss, with everything, the strain on your heart is weakening, This person was slowly taking away all your sorrows. The problem was, deep down, you knew it was coming soon. The reason you locked this away.
It was a dark, damp day, your favorite. You think that it will be a good day. You should have known better. It was ---’s birthday and you had gotten --- the perfect gift. As you approached ---’s house to give the gift, you heard sirens. Not good you think. You run the rest of the way. When you get there you see ---’s mother crying. She sees you and walks over weakly. “---” she says. “--- committed suicide”
The rest was hazy. There was no note and no reason for this to happen. You became hysteric. You blamed yourself. I wasn’t there enough you would think. It is my fault. I could have done something. I was not good enough. I ruin everything! Why !? Why do I even try anymore. I really should stop trying to find happiness. I do not deserve it. I’m sick of all the pain. ---. Why could I not help you. Everything goes black
You want to stay in the darkness. You feel worthless. maybe it would be better if you disappeared, gone. Then, you see a light. You go towards it. You realize it is one last memory about you two.
“What do you do when someone you love dies,” you ask. “Move on,” --- answers. “How do you forget someone that you love?” you ask. “That’s harsh.” “No,” --- responds, “Not forget, move on. Think about it like this. when you lose someone close to you you experience the pain of loss. There is a cycle of pain. First is “feel pain”, the sorrow you feel right after loosing them. Next is “think about pain”, where you think about the person you lost and why they were important, which can be the most painful. Next is “accept pain”, which can be the hardest. You have to accept that that person is gone. Lastly is “know pain”. By knowing pain you become a stronger person by moving forward, but still keeping that lost one in your heart. “Feel pain, think about pain, accept pain and know pain.”
“Don’t ever doubt the fact that I love you enough to take a bullet for you. However, I will not live for you. I do not live for you but I love you. Promise me this . If I die, do not live for me. Do not let me ruin your life.” “I promise,” you respond. Their image becomes clear. You remember their name. Their name, you think. Their name was-
You awaken. It is almost midnight. You remember everything. You look up with tears in your eye and think hey, I miss you. Despite this, I will do as I promise and move on love. I have someone to call a friend. I found two people who care about me. Today was fun, despite all the bad that happened. I will try my best from now on ok? I cut down on the drinking. I will go to the counselor tomorrow and make some good friends. I have gone through the cycle of pain, though it took me a while. So, wait for me. Goodbye, I will never forget you again Rest in peace, Sam.